My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
