I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
