When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Can I color on your dick again?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
