Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
