Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
