I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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