How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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