I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
