I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
This house was built for laser tag.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
