I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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