whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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