I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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