i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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