Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
