I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
