If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
