btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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