I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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