i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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