Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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