I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
