Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
a search helicopter?!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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