Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
