Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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