Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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