He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
