now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
