I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
