I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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