You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
