i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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