meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
