just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drake has all the answers
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
