I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
