I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
