she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
