Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
