I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
