How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
