sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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