my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
