Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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