Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
