Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
