The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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