if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
