He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
