Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
