i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
