He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
